The Keys to Managing Marital Conflict

Marital life, while often filled with joy and companionship, is also naturally susceptible to conflict. Disagreements and misunderstandings are a common and inevitable part of any long-term relationship. These conflicts, whether big or small, can either strengthen the bond between partners or erode it over time, depending on how they are managed.

Conflict in marriage can arise from various sources, such as differences in communication styles, financial stress, parenting disagreements, different family traditions and customs from in-laws  or unmet emotional needs. The presence of conflict does not indicate a failing relationship; rather, it reflects the dynamic and evolving nature of a partnership between two unique individuals. Learning how to navigate and manage these conflicts is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

According to renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, conflicts in marriages fall into two categories: perpetual and solvable.

Perpetual conflicts are ongoing issues that stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle. These conflicts represent about 69% of all marital disagreements and can often feel insurmountable. Examples include differences in religious beliefs, preferences for spending versus saving money, or divergent approaches to parenting. These are the kinds of conflicts that might never be fully resolved but can be managed with understanding and empathy. Successful couples learn to discuss these issues without getting gridlocked, often by developing a sense of humor or playfulness around them.

Solvable conflicts, on the other hand, are situational and can be resolved through communication and adjustment. These issues typically arise from specific circumstances and can often be addressed with practical solutions. Examples include household chores, vacation plans, or decisions about social activities. Unlike perpetual conflicts, solvable conflicts are less emotionally charged and can be worked through with a cooperative approach and effective problem-solving strategies.

Understanding whether a conflict is perpetual or solvable helps couples determine the appropriate approach to resolution. For perpetual conflicts, the goal is to reach a mutual understanding and find ways to live with the differences. For solvable conflicts, the focus is on finding practical solutions that satisfy both partners.

Before diving into conflict resolution, it’s crucial to grasp three fundamental keys to managing conflict effectively:

Negative emotions play a significant role in conflict. They are not merely disruptive forces but carry essential information about your partner’s feelings and needs. Understanding and acknowledging these emotions can help you learn more about each other and how to provide support. When partners feel heard and validated, they are more likely to open up and communicate honestly, paving the way for deeper connection and resolution.

In marital conflicts, there is no absolute reality, only two subjective experiences. Each partner brings their own perspective, shaped by their unique experiences, values, and emotions. It’s not about who is right or wrong however accepting that both viewpoints are valid is key to moving beyond the blame game. This shift in mindset fosters mutual respect and opens the door to finding common ground.

Feeling understood, respected, and accepted by your partner is crucial for effective conflict resolution. When individuals feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they become defensive and resistant to change. Conversely, when partners demonstrate genuine acceptance, it creates a safe space for vulnerability and growth. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with everything but rather showing that you value and respect your partner’s individuality.

By keeping these principles in mind, couples can navigate conflicts more constructively, turning potential flashpoints into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. In doing so, they build a resilient partnership capable of weathering the inevitable storms of marital life.

Reference: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John M Gottman)