Willpower, Shame, and Religion: A Brief Psychological Perspective

Willpower. Shame. Religion. These three powerful forces shape our sense of self and often entangle in ways that are both deeply personal and culturally reinforced.

Many people are weighed down by the belief that they should be “better” — more self-controlled, less sinful, more spiritual. They view lapses in willpower as personal or moral failure, often infused with spiritual guilt or shame. But what if the way we think about discipline, desire, and the divine is missing something crucial?

At the intersection of willpower, shame, and religion lies a terrain rich in psychological dynamics — both wounding and healing. Through the lens of psychology, especially Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can reframe the relationship between willpower, shame, and religion to create space for compassion, integration, and freedom.

In this blog, I invite you to explore this complex web with me — not to challenge faith, but to understand the inner mechanisms shaped by it, and how we might move toward freedom and self-compassion.

Willpower: The Myth of Pure Control

In modern Western culture— particularly American — willpower is romanticized as the path to success and righteousness. As Schwartz (2021) notes, this ethic becomes so internalized that we learn to “shame and manhandle our unruly parts” from an early age. In many Eastern traditions—Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism—celibacy (brahmacharya) is upheld as a discipline symbolizing purity and spiritual potency. Practiced by monks and aspirants, it’s framed as a method to conserve vital energies (prana, ojas) and transcend mere bodily urges. However, it has been discovered that they have contributed to the worst aspects of Indian society, including misogyny, queerphobia, hierarchy, discrimination, and untouchability (Pattanaik D, 2016)

Popular belief assumes that if we can just suppress our cravings, silence our doubts, or kill off our “flaws,” we’ll achieve virtue. But research by McGonigal (2011) and Baumeister & Tierney (2011) shows that willpower is not an endless resource. It is influenced by context, stress, and biological factors.

Yet, this limited capacity is often overlooked in faith-based or moralistic interpretations. Instead, discipline is equated with moral worth.

Shame: The Shadow Beneath the Surface

Shame tells us not just that we’ve failed, but that we are a failure. It is one of the most common emotional byproducts of religious teachings that focus on sin, purity, and obedience.

In IFS terms, shame becomes an internalized “drill sergeant part” — a voice that polices behavior through fear and punishment (Schwartz, 2021). It tries to exile our desires, rage, addictions, sexuality — anything deemed impure or dangerous.

But as IFS suggests, “parts, like people, fight back against being shamed or exiled”. When we repress internal parts (like a sexual impulse or an angry voice), they often come back stronger — bingeing, rebelling, sabotaging.

Religion: A Double-Edged Sword

Religion, at its best, offers belonging, meaning, and transcendence. But at its worst, it can become a system of shame and control. Teachings that frame the body as sinful, or that elevate obedience over inquiry, often lead people to distrust their inner world.

The idea that willpower can overcome temptation aligns closely with Victorian-era Christian ideas about resisting evil impulses (Schwartz, 2021). But these ideas can mask economic, social, or psychological realities, blaming individuals for failures that are systemic or trauma-driven.

Worse, people may begin to see themselves as spiritually defective — believing that their inability to “resist” makes them unworthy of love or belonging.

Internal Family System Perspective: Healing Through Compassionate Curiosity

IFS offers a revolutionary alternative. It teaches that the psyche is made up of “parts,” each with their own beliefs, burdens, and intentions. Some parts crave comfort. Others punish. Others protect us from rejection.

Rather than exiling parts or beating them into submission, IFS invites us to meet them with curiosity, not control.

In the context of shame:

• That “impure” desire may be a young part      seeking comfort.
• That inner critic may be trying to protect you from      rejection.
• That rebellious bingeing part may be tired of being      shamed.

This model aligns well with compassionate spirituality — where healing doesn’t require domination over the self, but integration within it.

Attachment and Authority: Why This Hurts So Much

From an attachment theory lens, many people relate to God or religious figures the same way they related to early caregivers.

• If love was conditional in childhood, they may believe God loves them only when they behave.
• If they were punished harshly for mistakes, they may assume divine punishment is imminent after each slip.
• If they were shamed for emotions, they may feel spiritual disconnection when they feel rage, grief, or lust.

Healing begins when we update our internal image of authority and love — realizing that a wise, compassionate presence would not shame us for struggling, but sit with us in our struggle.

As a therapist, I don’t ask clients to abandon their faith. Instead, I help them reframe it, so it becomes a path toward compassion — not condemnation.

Final Reflections

Willpower is real — but fragile. Shame is powerful — but not redemptive. Religion is meaningful — but needs to be held with discernment.

The goal of healing is not to become a more obedient version of yourself, but to become a more integrated, authentic, and whole one. When we let go of shame as our guide, and hold ourselves in grace — we don’t need as much willpower to do what’s right. We do it from love, not fear.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Therapy can help unravel these knots with gentleness and insight. And perhaps, in the process, you might just meet a more compassionate version of yourself — and your spirituality. Click here to book a discovery call with us.

Arjun Verma

Psychologist | Catalyst Psyche Inc.

Helping people untangle their inner world with curiosity, compassion, and clarity.

References

 

• Baumeister,      R. F., & Tierney, J. (2011). Willpower: Rediscovering the      greatest human strength. Penguin Press.
• Devdutt Pattanaik. (2016.). The hermit’s smile:      How celibacy, non-violence and purity work to establish patriarchy in      India. [Scroll.in article].
• McGonigal, K. (2011). The willpower instinct:      How self-control works, why it matters, and what you can do to get more of      it. Avery.
• Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing      trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model.      Sounds True.
• Van Ness, J. (2020). Quoted in Schwartz, R. C.      (2021), No bad parts (pp. 10–11).
• Varghese, M. E. (2015). Attachment to God and      psychological well-being: The mediating roles of shame, guilt, and      self-compassion (Doctoral dissertation, Purdue University).      https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/open_access_dissertations/530/
• Granqvist, P., & Kirkpatrick, L. A. (2008).      Attachment and religious representations and behavior. In J. Cassidy &      P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and      clinical applications (2nd ed., pp. 906–933). The Guilford Press.
• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the      score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.